“You have no darkness in you,” that what Emily said when we met in college. She said the same thing when I was in Marshal training, and she would drive up from Jacksonville to Glynco. Then she was making the drive up to remind me, I think.
Even though I joined after the McVeigh thing. I had no anger in me. My dad taught me, “ We all have one life to give. Give it to something good." I was going to college thinking I would make a good school teacher. After Oklahoma City I pivoted, in my thinking. I needed to do something more.
Did the darkness set upon me after the kids died in that accident, or was it before? Of course, it was after. Emily took me to church and fed me a steady diet of light and things good to keep the darkness at bay. That week driving to the office, coffee in my hand, living a mundane life. Till that semi barreled into us.
I think we were arguing about what to take to Tina and Vic's BBQ. I can't remember now. During rehab it was important for me to remember all the details. Like there was going to be an investigation that I was going to lead. There was none. The darkness was on the horizon then.
It didn't land till Emily was healthy and I was healthy. I didn't land till it sunk in. It was just a traffic accident, case closed. There was no investigation to pour my grief into, so I opened a bottle. Then the darkness poured out. Emily slid away. I swam through memories of Kala and Conner.
It took me till just recently to say their names. For the last two years I would just say, "the kids."
Darkness, a badge and some booze is not a problem for me. I never point my self at me.
